lost

I am not building upon the earlier post as I wrote there. I am simply unable to think in a proper logical manner these days. It doen't mean that I am thinking erratically or erotically for that matter. Whatever I am thinking or comprehending, is not sounding logical. Neither it is in a structured matter nor of any use.

Did you find anything meaningful out of this. Neither do I. Therefore I said my thought process itself has been hit.

I think the cause is my ego has been hit. By ego I dont mean that derogatory term. But i like to use this word over soul. I don't want to be a use and throw kind of person. I help others. I indulge in many activities which does not yield any material gains for me. I listen, converse, travel, call, read, sing, ....... with so many people. I know at the end it is through a purely selfish motive. Many a times those whom I helped, shared going out of way or in the way, never cared to even glance once at me. I never minded. The thought itself never touched my mind as the objective behind my act was not to be remembered, noticed but purely selfish. It was my need to interact with others and because of that need, I did all these activities.

But today I felt shattered. Because I was involved with the person. Involvement grew expectations. And never did I imagine that they will be hit so hard. I did everything. Never did I fail intentionally. There were times when I was not upto the mark. But one thing I can say is that I gave in my 100%. Yes. Sure.
When I felt I am used and thrown, I felt sad. Deep within. I felt frustrated, exhausted, tired, excited, erected many a times before. But I never felt sad like this before. This feeling is of pure sadness. It is not depression either. This sadness is very intense (may be since I felt it first time). Just deep, hollow, hurting experience.
I am helpless to do anything against it. If I am tired, I can take rest. If I am frustrated, I can calm down myself. My father says that you are angry means you are fool. One gets angry because of someone else's doing. Like somebody shouted at you, insulted you, did not do the work properly and we get angry, right. That means we punish ourself by becoming angry doe to someone else. Isnt that an act of foolishness.
I tried this logic as well. But it didn't work. Because this time sadness has not been resulted through act of another person neither it has resulted from my own acts. It has resulted because of some deep involvement, because a part of my life behaved in way I did not expect or comprehend, because my ..........

To be selfish also needs extreme commitment and requires clarity of thoughts. But at this point I guess, I will be more contend and satisfied with this theory.

But again as I said at the start, I am unable to clear my swaying thoughts. Give me some time. One thing I am sure about is one who does not learns from the mistakes is a fool. I will learn from my mistakes. I will.

So a song for me which I am listening to, singing all the time right now. Its a gripping song. One hears it once and can never forget it.

Coming Back to Life (with due respect to Pink Floyd).

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

yes! i do!!

I am selfish. No this is not just another inspiration from Ayn Rand. I am. I knew it from very begining. But I was and am hypocrite as well. I professed logic with the stupidity of the worst illogical person.
OK. Nothing to do with whatever i wrote above. I am still convinced with my stand on logic. But now I guess, I am becoming more like a sponge. Earlier I was like a stone. I could not absorb anything. I could listen to anything. I could not see anything. I wont say that I have become a continuous learner and stuff like that. But, yes, I am changing. And change is the only constant thing in nature.
Yes. I love her. I love her logically. Now its too late. I know. But atleast now I have the satisfaction of understanding my own emotions. Now I can tell that I can understand her. How can a person who can not understand his own emotions can understand and feel someone else's emotions. And love can be logical. I am not saying that "love is logical". I am working on the statement. But now I can say that even if the outcome turns out to be something else, I wont cease to exist. If I remain adamant on my theory of logic, or for that matter on anyone's theory of logic, beliving firmly that logic is the only means of understanding, it becomes illogical in itself.
The search might throw a lot of other questions and statements which might shatter a lot of my thinking process and convictions. But now I have the courage to face. And I will. I will continue to love her. Though it seems that I will never get her.

This is the most loosely written blog. Now I will keep on building on the bits and pieces I have thrown today. Its interesting.