desert.. snow.. mountains.. alone

it is very difficult to find the purpose of anything if you start searching the roots.. the enquiry leads to the ultimare question.. the purpose of life.. the purpose of existence.. in this whole universe, the whole itself is governed by the relative existence of each soul, if it is any.. u stumble upon the question of reality because it becomes so relative and centered around your own existence that reality invariably becomes relative.. and then it pops up.. why i care? what did i achiev with that?

first bolt left me wretched.. because i assumed a lot.. i depended a lot on someone else.. i took decisions (even emotional ones) without considering the dependance on the decisions of someone else's which were entirely not in my control nor i would had attempted to bring them under my control (even if that was possible) for the reason of caring about my principles.. then whether they were individualistic or agnostic, didnt matter.. so what did i learn? wise men learn from their mistakes not to repeat them.. but history repeats itself.. and there were atleast a few wise men present at every crucial juncture in the history.. so even though the world is full of non-wise, by the principle of learning and knowing, wise should have taken necessary steps to avoid the same mistakes committed earlier.. but that's not the case.. and i repeated the history..

somethings do not happen.. howsoever you try to make them happen.. it's just the function of your action and everyone else's action.. just like f(your action+actions of everyone else).. in everyone else comes living and non-living entities.. right from the actions of your girlfriend to the movement of cellestial objects in some distant galaxy.. and that's where you bacome helpless.. literally helpless.. there is nobody out there other than you.. you are alone in this world.. the world is with respect to your frame of reference.. you die, world dies..

and so i thought that it wasn't really in my hand.. she was not for me... rather in her view, i was not for her.. so to keep my mind away from this topic, i start thinking what is my world, my frame of referance and what are my actions and actions of others that determine the next moment.. so, you see, my thoughts get into a recursive loop, where at the end of each loop i enter into even deeper shit.. so a point comes when all around i see is shit..

thus i completed the second loop today.. am i ready for the third innings? am i going to commit the same actions even though i know i have been a failure throughout? do i have the courage to do so or will i be just plain dumb to do so again? is the function above gives a slightest hint of anything good to happen? or i should accept that whatever is happening and is going to happen is good? or there's just no good or bad or ugly.. it's just that the my life is simply pathetic, going nowhere..

and and.. there remains only one way out.. thats where i start dreaming aobout... desert, snow and mountain.. i am all alone.. alone in those vast landscapes of varying beauty.. way far from the shit.. wishing never to return..